


Philophobia

by Canadian_Kpop



Series: Philias and Phobias [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Insomniac Bang Chan, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Suicide Attempt, other members are mentioned, short chapters (mostly)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 10:34:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 53
Words: 11,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23849755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Canadian_Kpop/pseuds/Canadian_Kpop
Summary: (Just like part 1, this was previously posted on Wattpad but I'm re-posting it here in order to continue with other stories in the series)-Philophobia: an overwhelming and unreasonable fear of falling in love-Maybe you could help me overcome my fear; if only you knew more than my first initial.-
Relationships: Bang Chan/Kim Woojin
Series: Philias and Phobias [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1718401
Kudos: 13





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For those who didn't read the tags, there will be reference to a past rape and talk about a suicide attempt in this story but they are both only in one chapter and I will put a warning on those chapters for those who do not want to read it.

_Dear Bang Christopher,_

_It is weird to call you that? I know it's your name because I saw it on your I.D. card but it feels very formal. Calling you simply Chris feels to casual, like I know you, and clearly I don't know you if I learned your name from your I.D. card. God, I sound creepy. I swear I'm not. I'm just scared. I think I'll keep leaving letters in your locker like this until I'm not scared anymore. Then I'll talk to you in person, okay? I really hope your okay with this._

_~W_


	2. Chapter 2

_Dear Bang Chan,_

_I found out that pretty much everyone calls you Chan so I'll call you that too. It feels better than Christopher or Chris._

_I would also like to let you know something before you get too creeped out. I am sort of friends with someone you're close with. It was through him that I realized people call you Chan. I've been asking him some questions about you. He doesn't think anything of it because he's oblivious to everything and I hope you don't find it weird either._

_I'll keep this short because I'm sure if it gets long you won't be bothered to read it._

_~W_


	3. Chapter 3

_Dear Bang Chan,_

_My friend who knows you started talking about you today. More specifically, what you thought about these letters. Apparently, according to him, you're confused on why I started sending them in the first place, you wish you knew who I was, and wished you could write me back._

_Well, I started writing to you because I feel bad for you. You dated one of my friends and he broke your heart. I'm sorry he did that to you. I saw you crying over it for weeks. It made me realize that were are good people out there that I could trust my heart with. It scares me so much but I'm trying to get over. I know your one of those good people so that's why I decided to write to you once I knew your name and locker number._

_As for who I am and how to write back to me. My locker number is 208._

_~W_


	4. Chapter 4

**Dear W,**

**I'm sad you didn't tell me your name. I get that you're scared and stuff but I'd like to at least like to know who I'm talking to. To prove you I won't invade your space, I won't ask Minho who you are. Yes, I know you're friends with Minho because Minho is the only person I've ever dated. He doesn't have many other friends so I'm sure he'd be able to tell me who W is. Like I said though, I won't. I want you to trust me so tell me your name whenever you're ready.**

**Also, please don't mention Minho in your letters again. It still hurts...**

**-Chan**   
**P.S. You don't have to call me Bang Chan. Just Chan is fine.**


	5. Chapter 5

_Dear Chan,_

_I'm glad you won't ask Minho for my name. It makes me trust you a little more. I know you asked me not to talk about Minho and I promise I won't after this letter. I just have to ask you something to do with him first._

_Do you want to talk about what happened between you two?_

_~W_


	6. Chapter 6

**Dear W,**

**Whenever anyone asks that question I always said no. Something about you asking it makes me want to say yes. Maybe it's because I have zero clue who you are. No matter the reason, I will talk about it.**

**Minho and I were happy, really happy. I don't understand what happened. One day I noticed that he was really distant. As I thought back I realized it was a slow change and that's why I hadn't noticed until then. By then it was to late. Less than a week later he broke up with me. It's been 2 months but I still feel like crying every time I see him and Jisung together. I don't understand where I went wrong and what Jisung has that I don't. I don't know, maybe Minho just decided he wanted someone younger than him. Maybe Jisung has more sex with him then I did. I've given up trying to understand.**

**Sorry, I just realized that last part about the sex was probably a bit to much. Thanks for listening (reading? I'm not sure how we should refer to this) to my rant. I feel a little better now.**

**-Chan**   
**(P.S. I'm also sorry for the wet spots on the page. I started crying while writing this...)**


	7. Chapter 7

_Dear Chan,_

_I'm sorry you're still hurting so much and that you have to see them together all the time. I'll give Minho a good slap upside the head next time I see him. I won't tell him why though. Hearing your story remains me of the exact reason I don't fall in love. I really want to experience love but I'm just so afraid of getting hurt again._

_Would you hurt me like that Bang Chan?_

_~W_


	8. Chapter 8

_Dear Bang Chan,_

_You usually reply by now. Was that a weird thing to say? I'm sorry if it was. I won't say anything like that again if that's the case._

_I am really sorry._

_~W_


	9. Chapter 9

**Dear W,**

**Your question did not weird me out at all. Was I shocked? Yes, but I'm not weirded out. My insomnia has been bad lately so I stayed home for a few days to catch up on sleep. One of my friends brought your first letter back to me along with the notes I missed from class but I didn't feel comfortable giving them my reply to put in your locker. I hope you understand. Anyway, here is my response to your question.**

**Although I have no clue who you are, I would never do something like what Minho did to me, to you. It doesn't matter who the person was, I would never cheat on someone. I care to much about the people I'm close with to hurt them in any way.**

**I hope you like my answer.**

**-Chan**


	10. Chapter 10

_Dear Chan,_

_I do like your answer. You seem like a very kind and sweet person. I already knew that though. Anyone who knows you says that about you. When I asked your friend about you he went on a huge rant about how caring you are and how he was lucky to be your friend._

_I'm starting to wish I could call you my friend._

_~W_


	11. Chapter 11

**Dear W,**

**Why can't we be friends? You know who am I so come find me, please. I want you know who you are. I want to know the face behind these letters that I've been enjoying so much.**

**Wow, I actually admitted it. My friends have been teasing me about the letters, saying I enjoy getting them and replying. I told them no, mostly so that'd stop teasing me, but I told myself I couldn't be enjoying this because I didn't know who I was talking to.**

**I should be truthful though. I do enjoy these. I get really happy and excited when I see a letter from you in my locker. Do you feel that way too?**

**-Chan**


	12. Chapter 12

_Dear Chan,_

_I have to admit, I do feel happy to receive letters from you. However, I don't think I'm ready to meet quite yet. I haven't had close friends in a long time so I feel I need to prepare myself before we can meet._

_I hope that doesn't upset you._

_~W_


	13. Chapter 13

**Dear W,**

**I'm not upset at all. If you still need some time then I will wait. We should get to know each other though. I'll ask the first question.**

**What's your favourite food?**

**-Chan**


	14. Chapter 14

_Dear Chan,_

_My favourite food is chicken!_ _I haven't been able to eat a lot lately though. I'm on a diet. I need to lose weight. Then I'll be more confident and it will be easier for me to meet you in person._

_I'm not going to lame and ask you the same question. Here's my question to you. How do you like to spend your free time?_

_~W_


	15. Chapter 15

**Dear W,**

**My free time? Do I even have any? Haha, just kidding. I don't have much but I like to produce music. Did you know I'm majoring in music? Probably not, but you do now. On weekends, when they're also not busy, I produce music with my friend Changbin and Jisung.**

**I know what you must be thinking. Why am I producing music with the guy who stole my boyfriend?** **Jisung isn't to blame for what happened. Minho told me that Jisung had no clue he was dating me when he cheated. I still don't think Jisung knows. Minho told him we had broken up already. I knew Jisung before everything so it isn't hard for me to still be friends with him. Well, it is hard when he starts talking about Minho but what I'm saying is that I don't hate him. Minho is to blame for what happened, not Jisung. I also wonder if I should tell Jisung that Minho and I were still together but I always decided it's not my place.**

**Do you think I should tell him?**

**-Chan**


	16. Chapter 16

_Dear Chan,_

_I think it would have been okay for you to say something in the beginning. They've been together so long now that I think it'd be mean to say something now._

_When we meet, you definitely need to show me some of the music you've made. I'm interested to hear it! I really enjoy singing so I also enjoy music. However, I'm not majoring in music like you. I'm studying to become an elementary school teacher._

_What do you plan to do with your music degree?_

~ _W_


	17. Chapter 17

**Dear W,**

**I'm not exactly sure what I'll do with my degree honestly. I probably should if I'm almost finished my second year but I'll figure it out. I'd like to produce music as a career but that's risky. Maybe I'll try teaching music or something while trying to get a job in producing at the same time. I'm not sure. I'm going to stop talking about it now though because it stresses me out.**

**Do you think I could see your face soon? I really want to know who you are.**

**-Chan**


	18. Chapter 18

_Dear Chan,_

_Producing music is a risky career but if it's really what you love and want to do, I think you should at least try to go for it. You don't want to live with the regret of not trying, right?_

_~W_

_-_

Woojin stared at the letter for a moment before looking across the library for the millionth time that afternoon. Then he looked back at the letter before adding to it.

-

_P.S. Did you like my face?_

_-_

Woojin folded the letter before placing it in the envelope and writing Bang Chan in cursive letters, just like always. However, this time he didn't walk to Chan's locker. Instead he walked across the library, towards the said male. As Woojin approached, Chan looked up and smiled. Woojin placed the envelope on the table and Chan watched him. Once Chan realized what was placed on the table his head shot back up. However, it was to late; Woojin was gone.


	19. Chapter 19

**Dear W,**

**You are way more handsome then I could have ever imagined. Please tell me I can see you again soon. As for producing music, thanks for the advice. You're right, I would regret it if I didn't even try.**

**-Chan**   
**P.S. Eat some chicken tonight because you do not need to lose any weight, you look perfect!**


	20. Chapter 20

Woojin walked towards the same table he had about a week ago. The same male sitting there, typing things out on a computer, headphones in both ears. When Woojin sat down, the said male didn't look up. Woojin waved a hand to get his attention. When Chan finally looked up, he gasped before pulling his headphones out of his ears.

"Hey!" He said, clearly happy and a bit excited. "I didn't think I'd be seeing you again so soon."

"Neither did I honestly. It was a spur on the moment idea to come sit here." Woojin explained and watched as Chan's eyes fluttered closed before he took a deep breath and fluttered his eyes open again. It reminded Woojin of actions someone would perform when they smelled something they really liked. "What is it?"

"Your voice is really nice." Chan said before looking down, cheeks pink with embarrassment or at least what Woojin assumed to be embarrassment. "It wasn't what I was expecting. It's a lot softer and I like it."

Woojin giggled and Chan had a huge smile on his face that made Woojin laugh a little more before speaking. "I'm glad you like it? I'm not sure how to respond to that."

"It doesn't matter anyway." Chan said, waving it off and hoping the other would forget about it. "Did you eat chicken like I told you too?" When Woojin looked down and stayed silent, Chan knew the answer. Chan pouted before speaking to Woojin again. "You don't need to lose weight so you should eat whatever food you want."

Woojin still looked down, not having the confidence to look Chan in the eye. "It's not that easy."

"How about this then?" Chan started and Woojin looked up a little, curious to what the man had in mind. "Next time we meet, I'll buy you chicken and then, because I bought it for you, you'll have to eat it." Chan smiled but it soon fell when he noticed how uncomfortable Woojin looked. "Sorry, it that idea moving to fast? It's doesn't have to be the next time we meet, just some day, you know."

Woojin nodded but still felt anxious at the idea because Chan buying food for him would be like a date, wouldn't it? The more Woojin thought the more he just wanted to go back to his dorm room and be alone. "I think I'm going to go." Woojin felt bad that he was leaving so soon but he knew it'd be better then staying and having a breakdown in front of Chan and freaking him out. "I'm sorry."

Chan spoke quickly as Woojin got up to leave. "No, it's okay! I should be sorry, I said that without thinking."

Woojin assured the other it was fine before running off. On his way back to his dorm he realized something. Chan hadn't asked him for his name. This thought put a small smile on his lips despite his heart pounding and his head spinning.

Maybe there's a chance he could be comfortable with Chan after all.


	21. Chapter 21

_Dear Chan,_

_I'm sorry for leaving so quickly. I was getting a bit overwhelmed so I needed to leave to be alone for awhile. I hope you understand. Also, with exams starting next week, I'm worried that we won't be able to keep talking in letters like that. I've added another piece of paper with my email address. Hopefully you're okay with emailing. Personally I'd rather that than texting. It feels closer to a letter._

_~W_

_-_

Woojin walked into the library but couldn't find Chan anywhere. Chan was always in the library at this time when he was at school so Woojin assumed Chan must have been home today. He walked to where Chan's locker was but before slipping the letter in he added one more piece of paper to the envelope.

-

_Read second!_

_I was going to give this to you in person but you weren't in the library. You must be home. I hope it's not because of your insomnia again. If it is, please make sure to rest a lot. With exams so soon burning out would not be a good idea._

_Rest well Channie!_

_~W_   
_P.S. I hope it's okay to call you that. I sort of wrote it without thinking._


	22. Chapter 22

**Dear W,**

**I completely understand why you left quickly. I expected it honestly. I know you aren’t used to this type of thing so we’ll take it slow, okay? Also, yeah, I was home because of my insomnia. It gets worse when I’m stressed and who doesn’t get stressed over exams. I slept well during the day yesterday and it was great to wake up and have your email address. I agree it feels closer to a letter so I’m cool to contact each other this way throughout the summer.**

**What are your plans for the summer?**

**-Chan**

**P.S. It is completely okay for you to call me Channie if you’d like. A lot of friends do and, coming from you, I think it’s cute honestly.**


	23. Chapter 23

_Dear Channie,_

_I’m glad we can keep talking during the summer. You have to wait a bit before I can give you a date but I would definitely like to meet up with you over the summer. I don’t have any special plans for the summer right now. In past I’ve heard Minho talking about different events you plan during the summer so maybe I could come to one of those and also meet your friends. That’s only if you want me to of course. I realize it’s be weird for a person you don’t even know the name of to show up. We’d have to wait for me to tell you my name, I guess. Whether I meet your friends or not I’d still like to meet with you during the summer. Until then, I guess we’ll just keep emailing each other._

_~W_


	24. Chapter 24

**Dear W,**

**I think it’d be great for you to meet my friends and come to one of my parties. I’m actually having one next week for my friend Changbin, who’s graduating from high school next week as well. If you feel up to it, you should totally come! My friends really want to meet you. I’ll also make it very clear to Minho that he can’t tell me or anyone else your name.**

**Is it weird that I’ve talked about you to my friends? They started asking question when they caught me writing back to you. Then when Bambam brought me one of your letters from my locker he refused to leave me alone until I told him about who it was from. I really hope you don’t mind. I haven’t told them any personal information! Just that I call you W and that you talk to each other and want to become friends. Jisung is always going on about how cute he thinks this is.**

**Anyway, I hope you’ll come to the party for Changbin. I’d really like to hang out with again.**

**-Channie**


	25. Chapter 25

_Dear Channie,_

_I’m not sure about the party. Tell me some information about it and I’ll think about it. I’m nervous I’ll get overwhelmed like the first time we meet and that it’ll be weird or awkward. I will think about it though. If Minho’s going to be there it might not be to bad where I already know him. I realize this reaction might seem weird. In my last email I said I wanted to meet your friend but now I’m saying I’m not sure. It’s only that I didn’t think I’d be meeting them this soon. You’ll have to give me time to think about it. I’m sorry for being like this…_

_~W_


	26. Chapter 26

**Dear W,**

**You don’t need to be sorry! I get that meeting new people on a short notice can be overwhelming. The party is going to be at this park on a lake near Changbin’s high school. Apparently, he really likes this lake so that’s why we’re going there. I doubt we’re be there very long because Changbin doesn’t like spending a lot of time with other people so he’ll probably leave pretty quickly. Other than Changbin and I, the other people going are Minho, Jisung, Hyunjin, Seungmin, Felix, Jeongin, Bambam, and Yugyeom. I’ll tell you a little about everyone so you’ll feel more comfortable around them but you know Minho so I won’t talk about him.**

**Changbin: Like I said, he doesn’t really like other people. I met him when I was still in high school. I write music with him and am the only reason he leaves his apartment aside from school. He had a rough home life and lives alone now.**

**Jisung: Well, you already know how I know him… He’s really loud and hyper. He’s kind of all over the place most of the time but we love him for it.**

**Hyunjin: He just kind of showed up in our friend group one day. I don’t actually know a whole lot about him yet. He seems like a really nice and sweet guy though.**

**Seungmin: I met Seungmin where I used to take vocal lessons. He has an amazing voice. He’s also a really nice and sweet guy. He quiet most of the time but when he does talk, he’s really loud. Not Jisung level loud but sometimes it’s close. He’s actually the one who brought Hyunjin into the group. I’m pretty sure the two are dating but they haven’t said anything so who knows.**

**Felix: He’s the newest addition. Jisung brought him one day and him and I get along really well. We’re both from Australia so we have common things to talk about and I can help him when he doesn’t understand something in Korean. I think he has a crush on Changbin but I doubt anything will happen between them because, again, Changbin hates people.**

**Jeongin: Jeongin is our little baby. He only started high school this year. He’s so cute and no matter what anyone says, he is my son.**

**Bambam: I met Bambam when I first moved to Korean. The other guys don’t know him very well but every so often I can convince him to hang out with us. He’s funny and is an easy person to get along with.**

**Yugyeom: Yugyeom is Bam’s boyfriend. I know him a bit but not a well as Bam or some of the other guys. He really nice though and treats Bam like a prince so he’s had my approval for a long time.**

**That’s everyone! I hope this helps you feel more comfortable and you decide to come! Once all the details are figured out, I’ll email you the details of date and time. Changbin takes forever to text back so it’s hard to make plans with him.**

**-Channie**


	27. Chapter 27

_Dear Channie,_

_Your friends sound like nice people. I’m still not sure if I’ll come or not… I’m sure if I mention it to Minho that I’m thinking of coming he’ll make me. I think our relationship is similar to you and this Changbin guy. I don’t think I’d ever really socialize with people outside of school if it wasn’t for Minho. He has a certain way of forcing people to do things. Sorry, am I talking about him to much? I’ll stop now._

_~K.W.J._


	28. Chapter 28

**Dear W,**

**Did you sign the last email with all of your initials?! I feel so honoured! As for Minho, it’s okay for you to talk about him. I will admit it hurts to think about him but I just have to get over that. Also, it’s true, Minho does have a certain way of getting people to do things. I remember when he first turned 20, he was begging me to take him out drinking but I kept telling him how I didn’t want to go. Eventually he got me to go and, in the end, I’m glad I did. I would always have fun with him even when it was forced. I’ve made myself cry again…**

**Let me know within the next few days if you’ll be coming to Changbin’s party or not.**

**-Chan**


	29. Chapter 29

_Dear Channie,_

_I’m sorry for making you think of these sad things again. To make it up to you, I’ll come to the party. Maybe I’ll even give you a hug for making you cry. That’s a strong maybe so don’t get your hopes up. I’ve had very little physical contact with people in the last few years so I’m not sure how I’d react to something like that. Also, those were my initials. Can you guess what any of them stand for?_

_~K.W.J._


	30. Chapter 30

**Dear W,**

**I’m so happy you’re coming to the party!!! I’ll make sure I get a hug from you someday (is that weird?). Anyway, about your name, I’m going to guess your last name is Kim if it starts with a K. I only guessed that because is a very common K last name in Korea. It could be a less common one though. I have a pretty uncommon last name. I know that you know my last name so hopefully you agree that it’s uncommon. I have no guesses on your first name though. You’re just going to have to tell me someday.**

**Can’t wait to see you at the party!**

**-Channie!**


	31. Chapter 31

Woojin’s phone lit up, showing a text from Minho saying he was there. Woojin sighed, looking in the mirror one last time to make sure his hair and outfit were okay before heading out the door. Woojin climbed into the backseat of Minho’s car, Jisung sitting in the front with the owner of the car. Both males greeted the older before going back to their own conversation. Woojin was nervous the entire drive to the lake, which turned out not to be very long. Once the car was parked and the two who had been sitting in the front seat convinced Woojin to exit the car, the three began walking to a picnic table that five other males were already sitting around.

“You guys made it!” Chan exclaimed, lighting up at the sight of Woojin. “Everyone, this is the guy I’m being sending letters with that you were all so curious about.”

Woojin bowed to everyone before speaking. “Hello, I’m Woojin.” Woojin wasn’t sure why he said his name but when he saw the look of pure happiest on Chan’s face, he decided it was worth it. Chan introduced everyone to Woojin and the eldest noted that Changbin was not present, despite the party being for him. “It’s nice to meet you all.”

Eventually Changbin showed up and almost everyone was having a good time. It was clear that the youngest of the group was not happy. When asked about his mood he began talking about his parents getting a divorce. Everyone felt bad for the young boy expect Changbin, who made a comment about life not having happy endings. Woojin noticed that at that comment Chan looked towards and Minho, who had Jisung pulled closely in his lap, before looking at the ground with a sad expression. A few moments later Chan said he would be back and everyone could tell he was not okay. The man Woojin remembered as Bambam mentioned that someone should check on him and Woojin was quick to volunteer. Maybe a little to quick in some people’s eyes.

None the less, Woojin walked away from the picnic table and went to find Chan. Once Woojin spotted the sliver haired boy’s back, he could tell the boy was crying. Similar to telling everyone his name, Woojin wasn’t sure why he did what he did next. He ran up to his new friend and pulled him into the tightest hug he could, allowing him to sob into his shoulder.

“It hurts so much to see them together.” Chan spoke while sobbing. “I still don’t understand what I did wrong.”

“Oh sweetheart, you did nothing wrong.” Woojin said, not sure where the pet name came from either. Apparently he was full of surprises today. “These things just happen when you fall in love.”

Chan pulled his head away from Woojin’s shoulder and looked confused. “People are fated to cheat on each other when they fall in love?”

Woojin shook his head. “No, not that, I mean that when people fall in love they are fated to fall out of love. That’s why I’m afraid to do it. I’m sure Minho will fall out of love with Jisung at some point or maybe even the other way around. Just as you will eventually fall out of love with Minho and fall in love with someone else before falling out of love them.”

“This isn’t helping me to feel better.” Chan said with a laugh before wiping his eyes. “We should head back to the group. Knowing them they’ll think we’re doing something indecent out here in the middle of the woods.”

Woojin nodded and the two headed back to the group only to find two people missing. Apparently, Changbin and Felix ran off together and Chan seemed to be worried about this but he didn’t voice what exactly those worries were. After a few more hours Minho voiced that he had to head to work soon and would be leaving. That meant Woojin was leaving too. Woojin himself was a bit happy to be leaving, feeling as if he had had enough socializing for the rest of the week. However, Chan was a bit upset to see Woojin leaving. He told he older he’d email him later that day. Woojin nodded, offering a smile and wave to everyone as he was leaving and received a few back.

When Woojin made it back to him apartment, he fell onto his bed and thought over the events of the day. Thinking about telling people his name wasn’t that big of deal and hanging out with them and chatting was enjoyable, but when he thought about his moment in the woods with Chan, his head started to spin. He hadn’t been that physically close with someone in years and it was scaring him how he just did it so easily with Chan. Thinking about being that physically close with someone again made him think about all the reasons he stopped in the first place.

It made Woojin think of **_him_**.

As well as everything he did.


	32. Chapter 32

**Dear Woojin,**

**It is okay for me to call you that now or should I still address you as W? Either way, I’m really happy you told me your name! I’m glad you’re starting to trust me more. About what happened in the forest… maybe you could forget about that. I didn’t mean for you to see that. However, I would like to talk about what you said. I believe differently than you. You said when you fall in love you’re destined to fall out of love. I don’t believe that. I believe everyone has a soulmate somewhere on this planet, it’s just hard for people to figure out if the person they love is their soulmate or not. There was a time I believe Minho could have been my soulmate but I’ve realized the reason why he wasn’t. That doesn’t make anything hurt less though. I think it’s important to get hurt before finding your soulmate because that makes finding them all that more special. I’m sure I’ll find my soulmate someday and I hope you can too.**

**-Channie**


	33. Chapter 33

_Dear Channie,_

_Thank you for inviting me to your party Chan. I had fun. I was scared I wouldn’t but your friends are nice and funny so it was a good time. It is fine for you to call me Woojin now. W sounds stupid now that you know what my name is. As for your idea of soulmates, it’s a nice thought. What happens if the pain from past lovers makes it to hard to love anyone again though?_

_~Woojin_


	34. Chapter 34

**Dear Woojin,**

**I’m glad you had fun at the party. Maybe you can come to the next one too. I’m not sure when that’ll be but I’ll be sure to let you know. I’m worried about you now though. What happened that makes you think you can’t love again? I don’t think any pain to hard to work through. I can try to help if you’d like. Maybe we can try to help each other work through our pain together. How does that sound?**

**-Channie**


	35. Chapter 35

_You’re right…_

_I should be able to work through this…_

_I’m stupid for acting this…_

_I’m sorry…_

_I’ll stop bothering you with my problems now…_


	36. Chapter 36

**Are you okay? You don’t seem okay. Send me your phone number. I want to call you or at least text so I can get responses faster. Please, I’m really worried about you right now.**

**-Chan**


	37. Chapter 37

**Woojin please answer my email. It’s the middle of the day and we’re on break. I know you’re home so please answer me. I’m really scared right now. Your last email made it clear you’re not okay and I need to know you’re going to be okay. I care about you Woojin, please.**


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter referencing suicide so if you can't handle that topic, please don't read this chapter.

An hour after still getting no response, Chan was about to lose his mind and called Minho. Minho said he hadn’t heard anything from Woojin but agreed that the email sounded bad so he told Chan he would go to Woojin’s house to check on him. Another hour later, Chan received a call from Minho. Chan only needed to hear four words out of Minho’s mouth before he was running out of his apartment.

“Woojin’s in the hospital”

When Chan arrived, he found Minho in the waiting room. He immediately asked for what happened. Minho next three words made Chan’s knees weak.

“Woojin attempted suicide.”

Chan didn’t know how to handle the situation. What had he said to trigger this? Minho began explaining that this wasn’t the first time Woojin had tried this, just that everyone thought he was better. The two boys sat in the waiting room for another hour until a doctor approached them. The first two words out of the doctor’s mouth made Chan the happiest person in the room.

“He’s awake.”

The doctor led the two boys down a few hallways before stopping outside a room. The doctor explained that Woojin was probably a little out of it from blood loss but that he was coherent. When the doctor opened the door and allowed the two boys to walk in, only one word could come out of Chan’s mouth.

“Woojin…”

Woojin was not capable of words in that moment. All the elder could do was cry at the sight of Chan looking at him with such pity. What Woojin didn’t realize was that Chan held so much pity for Woojin because he too had been in the exact same position as Woojin. No other words were said in the room for close to an hour. By that point, Woojin was asleep and Minho was staring at Chan.

“I’m starting to think I’m cursed.” Minho said and Chan raised an eyebrow in confusion. “I’ve found two of closest friends bleeding out from their wrists now. I’m starting to think it’ll only be a matter of time before I find Jisung with his wrists cut open.”

“I tried to kill myself because you were cheating on me.” Chan said bitterly. “I gave my heart to you Minho and you crushed it without me even realizing and you didn’t even care.”

“I did care Chan hyung.” Minho said and went to speak again but Chan didn’t allow it.

“You didn’t fucking care.” Chan said through clenched teeth, trying not to scream and wake Woojin. “If you fucking cared you wouldn’t have kept fucking him, you wouldn’t have left me for him. It doesn’t matter anyway anymore.” Chan sat back in his seat and could see Minho wished to keep talking, probably to make excuses. “Oh, save it. I don’t want excuses from you.” It was quite again for awhile. Chan thought of something that made him feel bad and decided to do something about it. “Don’t blame yourself for me trying to kill myself back then. It wasn’t the first time and it probably won’t be the last time. It’s just something that happens in my life. I let my emotions get the best of me and allow my mind to go to the darkest of places. It wasn’t your fault.”

“I knew you were this way though.” Minho said, shaking his head. “I should have ended our relationship before I ever cheated on you. I’m sure that would have made things better.”

Chan shrugged his shoulders before standing from his chair. “Who knows. I have to go to work. Give this to Woojin when he wakes back up.” Chan handed Minho folded up piece of notepaper, that he had written on after Woojin had fallen asleep, before handing towards the door. With his hand on the door handle, he looked back towards Minho. “I hope Jisung makes you happy.”

Minho nodded and with that Chan left. However, he did not head straight to work. Instead, he sat on a curb in the hospital parking lot of a bit. Mostly, he was running his fingers up and down the multiple deep scars on his forearms. Another thing that he did, that he probably wouldn’t admit to anyone but Woojin if they asked, was cry for Minho, one last time. From that moment on, Chan decided he would forget about Minho and completely move on from his ex-lover.


	39. Chapter 39

**Dear Woojin,**

**I’m sorry for whatever I did or said that triggered you to do this. I didn’t mean or want to hurt you. I really hoped I could help you get better and I wish to be able to do that even more now. Also, don’t feel bad because of what happened. I understand and will not judge you. The first time I tried something like this I was a young teenager. The last time was when I found out Minho had been cheating on me. I let my mind go to dark places sometimes but I’m learning how to stop it. Maybe I can teach you the things I’ve learn. I do really care about you Woojin and don’t want you to try something like this again. Let me help you. Even if it’s not me, let me know that there is someone helping you. I want you to be happy and healthy.**

**-Channie**


	40. Chapter 40

_Dear Channie,_

_I hope Minho gives you this letter in a timely fashion. I asked him to but that doesn’t mean he will. Please understand that it wasn’t anything you said that caused this. I was in a dark place before we started talking about soulmates and it was my own thoughts that pushed me to this outcome. Maybe I could use some of your tips on how to get your mind out of dark places. I’ve been told that I’ll be staying in the hospital for at least a week. If you’re not busy I’d really like it if you could come visit me. Minho said he would but I’m sure he’s going to get busy and forget about me. Plus, I like your company better than his (don’t tell him I said that). If you can’t that’s okay. I’ll talk to you once I get out._

_~Woojin_


	41. Chapter 41

It had been only a day since Chan received Woojin’s letter from Minho. Chan was currently on his way to the hospital to visit Woojin. He would have visited the elder the day he got the letter but Minho had not given it to him until later in the evening and Chan would have only had a few minutes with Woojin until visiting hours ended. Due to this fact, Chan had to wait until the next day to be able to visit Woojin again. When Chan made it to the hospital, he found Woojin’s room and the sight inside broke his heart. Woojin was sitting in a chair beside the window just staring out it, looking rather sad and bit bored. It was clear to Chan that no one had visited Woojin since the day he came to the hospital, which was a few days ago now.

“Hey Woojinnie.” Chan called out softly, not wanting to scare the older. “I came to see you.”

Woojin looked over to Chan and Chan’s heart melted at the smile that came onto Woojin’s face. “Hey Channie.”

Chan didn’t say anything else but took his sweater off and pulled the other chair in the room over to sit facing Woojin. Woojin didn’t speak either but grabbed Chan’s wrists and looked at the scars there before lightly running his fingertips over them. Chan watched Woojin for a while before speaking. “I’ve also had my stomach pumped twice.”

Chan heard Woojin sighed before the elder removed his hands. “Can I ask why?”

Chan nodded but stayed quiet for a moment longer. “I had some issues in my childhood. That’s what caused the first two attempts. I moved to Korea to come to high school here but it was so lonely. My mind started going back to how it was when I was younger. I went to a doctor but, as I’m sure you know, mental health isn’t taken seriously in Korea, especially in youth so the doctor pretty much told me I was fine and sent me home. My third attempt was less than a week later. My parents brought me home and helped me through everything. I had a therapist that helped me to learn how to change my thoughts and stop my mind from going to these dark places. However, I couldn’t do anything when I found Minho’s journal where he talked about Jisung and how he had been cheating on me. I couldn’t stop the thoughts in my head and they took over. That was what caused my four and hopefully final attempt. After that I found a therapist here in Korea who works well with me and I’ve been slowly getting better.”

Woojin nodded and stay quiet as he thought over Chan’s words. “They brought a therapist in here yesterday. I didn’t like him very much but we talked and he feels I must have a fear of falling in love because of what happened to me.”

“You mean what makes you believe it is to painful for you to fall in love again?” Chan asked and Woojin nodded. “Well, I suggest finding a therapist that you like and talking about this fear and what happened to you and working through it. I don’t want to see you in a hospital again Woojin, once is enough for me.”

Woojin nodded and smiled a bit because he felt Chan really cared for him. “Thank you Channie. Ever since I closed myself off to people, I haven’t had many friends or people who cared about me. When I decided to write that first letter to you, I thought I was only going to do it to apologize for how Minho treated you but, as you know, that’s not how the first letter turned out. I didn’t expect it but I’m glad for the friendship that has come out of our letters.”

Chan had a huge smile on his face after hearing those words from Woojin. “I’m glad too. I really do care about you Woojinnie. I want to protect you and take care of you. Will you let me do that?”

Woojin nodded and Chan smiled even more. After that the two boys spent the day together. Sometimes they would chat and get to know each other even more and sometimes they sat quietly, watching the world move outside the hospital room window. When Woojin fell asleep maybe, just maybe, Chan watched him with a fond smile. However, he’d never admit to anyone that he did such a thing. It was a memory he’d keep for himself.

Chan visited Woojin everyday after that and within a week, Woojin was home and everything was going back to normal.


	42. Chapter 42

_Dear Channie,_

_It feels weird doing this after not being able to for over a week. Anyway, thank you for visiting so much while I was in the hospital and I’m sorry for scaring you and worrying you so much. I’m taking your advice and I’m in search of a therapist that works well with me. I hope you can hang out very soon. I think I’m going to miss spending almost all day with you. I’m noticing that my dorm room is a little lonely…_

_~Woojinnie_

_P.S. I never said it but like that you gave me a nickname, even if it’s a small one_


	43. Chapter 43

**Dear Woojinnie,**

**Don’t worry about all that now. All that matters now is that you’re alive and getting better. We will defiantly hang out soon. Even since Minho moved out, I’ve also felt that my apartment is a bit lonely so you are welcome to come here anytime. I would invite you over tonight but my parents are coming to visit and you probably don’t feel up to meeting new people right now. After today you can come over at any point as long as I am home and give me at least an hour heads up because I usually sit around in pajamas most days. Maybe you’d like to come over tomorrow?**

**-Channie**


	44. Chapter 44

_Dear Channie,_

_I would love to come over tomorrow. Send me you’re address and a time and I’ll see you then!_

_~Woojinnie_


	45. Chapter 45

Chan smiled at the email on his computer before replying back with the needed information before turning his laptop off. He did it just in time too because after standing from his chair, he heard a knock at his door. Racing to his front door, he flung it open to reveal his mother and father standing on the other side of it. Chan hugged both of them as they made there way into his small apartment. Chan’s parents settled into Chan’s living room and the three talked for quite awhile. However, their chatting was interrupted when Chan’s phone started ringing. The phone read unknown caller but Chan still picked up.

“Hello?”

“Channie…,” A voice that was clearly Woojin and clearly upset said. “I’m sorry to bother you but Minho is busy with Jisung and I didn’t know who else I could talk to.”

“What’s wrong?” Chan asked, getting worried for his friend. “Do you want me to come pick you up and bring you to my place?”

“Maybe, I don’t know.” Woojin spoke, sounding very unsure. “I know you said you have your parents over today but I really don’t want to be alone right now.”

“I’m coming to pick you up.” Chan said, already standing and putting shoes on. “Text me which dorm building your in and I’ll be there in like ten minutes. Bring pajamas because I’m not going to let you sleep there alone.”

“Chan…,” Woojin started to sound like he was going to fight back but Chan was not having it.

“You said you don’t want to be alone so I’m not going to leave you alone.” Chan said standing in the doorway of his living room with his parents watching him. “I know what it feels like to have no one and I don’t ever want you to feel that way, okay?”

“Okay, I’ll see you ten minutes?” Woojin said as if to make sure Chan wasn’t lying.

“Yup, ten minutes.” With that Woojin hung up and Chan looked towards his parents. “I bringing my friend here. He just got out of the hospital this morning and doesn’t want to be alone. Please do not ask any questions.”

Chan didn’t wait for his parents to say anything and left the apartment quickly, not wanting to be late and leave Woojin waiting.

It didn’t take long for Chan to pick up Woojin and get back to his own apartment. Woojin and his parents greeted each other and Chan said he’d go to start making dinner. Woojin quickly said he’d help, probably not wanting to be left with Chan’s parents. Chan’s mother also said she could help, despite Chan protests. Cooking started off smoothly but began going down hill when Chan pushed up his hoodie sleeves in order to wash and cut vegetables. When Chan did this, his mother was able to see the newer scars on Chan’s wrists.

“Christopher!” Ms. Bang yelled as she grabbed her son’s wrists to look closer at the new scars. “When did this happen? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t tell you because I’m fine now.” Chan said, pulling his arms out of his mother’s hands. “I knew if I told you you’d want me to go back to Australia.”

“What caused this?” She asked, still scared for her son. “I don’t think being in this country is good for you.”

“It doesn’t matter what you think because I’m staying here whether I have your blessing or not.” Chan said, going back to cutting vegetables. “If you think you can pressure me into telling you why, you’re wrong. Go back to the living room with Dad. Woojin and I can handle the cooking.”

Ms. Bang seemed hesitant in leaving but in the end, she left.

“Why didn’t you tell her?” Woojin asked after she was completely gone. “About Minho cheating on you?”

“I didn’t tell her because she never knew we were dating in the first place.” Chan whispered, clearly nervous his parents would hear. “Listen Woojin, my parents are homophobic. I love them with all my heart but they can never find out I’m bisexual, much less that I dated a guy. My childhood problems that made me attempt suicide in the first place was that I knew I liked men and I felt wrong and trapped because I had to hide it from everyone in my life. I was so afraid that my parents would find out if I told anyone so I kept it hidden. Coming to Korea was to free myself from hiding. That was the going idea until I realized a large amount of Korea is homophobic. I lied when I told you my third suicide attempt was simply from being lonely. It was that mixed with the fact I was still hiding myself. When I came here for university, I told myself I was done with hiding and that’s how I met Minho and well, you know how that turned about for me. My mother tries to figure out the reasons I’ve attempted suicide so many times but she can never know.”

Woojin looked as if he was almost in tears. “I’m sorry you had to live your life that way. I understand now and I’ll make sure not to talk about Minho while they’re here.”

Chan smiled and thanked Woojin and the two went back to cooking dinner. After dinner was finished and everyone had eaten, Chan’s parents made a quick exit, mostly because of his mother. With them gone it was just Woojin and Chan left in the small apartment. The boys silently decided not to talk about anything upsetting and simply watch a movie before falling asleep on Chan’s couch.

This became a pattern for the two friends. They’d spend the day doing their own things before meeting in the evening for a meal cooked in Chan’s kitchen and a movie before falling asleep on the couch. They were happy with this schedule, however, nothings last forever.


	46. Chapter 46

It was the end of the summer when everything went down hill. Felix seemly disappeared from the face of the earth and Changbin did not take the news well. Chan was aware there was something forming between his two friends but didn’t realize it had made it to the point that Felix leaving practically destroyed Changbin. Woojin and Chan had to spend most of the last few weeks with Changbin to help make sure his mind didn’t go anywhere to dark. Both boys knew all to well what could happen to their friend if that happened. Some of the other boy in their friend group tried to help, mainly Hyunjin, but even then, Woojin and Chan barely had anytime to be with each other alone like they were use too. However, neither admitted they where upset at this fact.

The next thing to continue the down hill spiral was a party Minho decided to host at the very end of the summer. Both Woojin and Chan had been invited, not a surprise to either boy, but many other people were invited as well. Many people neither boy knew and were surprised Minho knew. Eventually they learned an amount of people there were high schoolers who were friends with Jisung. Everything about the party seemed okay to Woojin, if you can look past all the overly drunk 17-year-olds.

That was until he noticed Chan on a couch, making out with a girl who was clearly one of the high schoolers and clearly drunk. Chan himself didn’t seem all that sober either. Woojin was quick to grab his friend and begin pulling him out of the party, despite all the protests from the said male. Woojin told himself he was doing it because if he let it continue Chan and the girl would end up doing something that they’d both regret in the morning. However, Woojin could not ignore the jealously he felt burning in his veins.

It wasn’t the first time Woojin felt jealous when it came to Chan. It was simply the first time he felt it so strongly. Usually it was because Woojin was jealous with the amount of time Chan was spending with Changbin and Woojin summed it up to missing his friend and nothing more. This was different though. Woojin never imagined he’d feel jealous when seeing Chan kissing someone else. This changed everything Woojin thought he felt for his friend.

However, it wasn’t until they were back in Chan’s apartment and Chan was laying in his bed with Woojin sitting on the edge that Woojin decided to say anything.

“You’re not going to remember this so that’s why I’m going to say it.” Woojin said as he ran a hand through Chan’s now black curls, to which Chan seemed confused about. “I was so jealous when I saw you kissing that girl. Woojin from a few months ago would have never said these words but I think I can now. I think I like you Channie.”

In Chan’s half-asleep, drunk state, his response was slurred and made zero sense to Woojin. The elder of the two just laughed before placing a kiss on Chan's forehead and heading out to the living room to sleep on the couch.

Woojin woke up before Chan and began preparing things for when Chan did, knowing he’d have a hangover. It wasn’t long until Woojin heard groaning from within Chan’s bedroom and he knew the other was now awake. Woojin went to Chan’s room and handed his friend a cup of warm tea.

“How much do you remember about last night?” Woojin asked after Chan had fully woken up and drank half the tea.

Chan thought for a bit before answering. “Nothing really important happened in the beginning but at some point, I was making out with a girl and you dragged my ass home. Thanks for that, by the way.” As Chan said that Woojin giggled a bit, sounding like music to Chan’s ears. “Last night…,”

“Oh god,” Woojin said and stopped laughing as he realized Chan actually heard and remembered what he said. “Please just forget what I said. I didn’t think you’d remember because you were so out of it at that point.”

Woojin got up to leave but Chan was quick to grab his friend’s wrists. “I’m not going to forget. Please sit and let me talk.” Woojin seemed reluctant but eventually sat back down on the edge on Chan’s bed. “I’m glad you said something last night because, honestly, I’ve kind of liked you for a bit now. I was to afraid to say anything though. I didn’t know how things were coming with your therapist and I didn’t want to scare you away from me. Ever since we’ve had to keep a close eye on Changbin all the time and we didn’t have time to see each other, I realized just how much I miss not having you around me every day. I want to have you with me always and I don’t want to see you with anyone else. I like you, Kim Woojin, more than I think you realize.”

Chan could see Woojin was trying to process everything he had just said and was hopeful the elder would accept his feelings. However, Woojin didn’t say anything. Instead he leaned forward and pressed his own lips against Chan’s. It was anything crazy, just a small little peak. It was Woojin’s way of saying he felt the same. After the golden question was asked and Woojin said yes, Chan felt over the moon.

Chan made sure Hyunjin was going to spend the day with Changbin before he pulled Woojin into bed with him. The two spent the day cuddling and watching movies on Chan’s laptop. The two were happy again but, again, nothing lasts forever.


	47. Chapter 47

The two spent the rest of the summer together in Chan’s bed whenever they weren’t watching Changbin, as he was just getting worse instead of better. However, school had to start again. Once that happened, the two knew they’d barely have time for each other. Despite the fact the two had only been dating for a few weeks, Chan asked Woojin to move into his apartment. It honestly didn’t really change much as Woojin had basically lived in Chan’s apartment most of the summer. Woojin wasn’t sure at first but when Chan brought up the fact it’d be cheaper for both of them, Woojin was sold. Being a broke college student, Woojin was ready to save money in any way possible.

Everything wasn’t sunshine and rainbows though. Between little agreements and fights and Woojin’s panic attacks when Chan got a little to physical, there were a fair amount of problems. Hyunjin stopping Changbin from walking straight into traffic was just the cherry of top of Chan’s pile of stresses and Woojin getting overly jealous of Chan’s care for Changbin wasn’t helping.

It took about a month for Chan to reach his breaking point. Everyone was at his apartment for his birthday and nothing was putting Chan in a good mood. Minho and Jisung were being a little to touchy (he had no feelings for Minho anymore, it was just annoying to see), Changbin was being a little to cold, Hyunjin was babying him a little too much, the youngest three were being a little to loud, Woojin was being a little to salty about Chan not putting full attention on him, and Chan had had enough. Chan was trying to put dinner together when Woojin made a comment that just send Chan over the edge.

“Just shut up!” Chan screamed while throwing the plate in his hand on the floor, scaring everyone in the living room. “I can’t do this anymore! I’m not perfect but you all expect me to be. I’m tried of trying my fucking hardest to the best for everyone and it not being good enough for any of you.” At this point Chan was sobbing and no one knew what to do.

“Chan hyung we don’t expect you to be perfect.” Jisung spoke and everyone nodded with him.

“Yes, you fucking do!” Chan screamed again. “If I spend to much time trying to care for Changbin, Woojin get upset at me. If I don’t spend enough time caring of Changbin or get his groceries a little to late, Hyunjin gets mad at me. If I don’t have my vocal lesson work done on time, Seungmin gets mad at me. If I don’t make songs and lyrics fast enough, Jisung and Changbin both get mad at me. If I can’t learn dance moves fast enough, Minho gets mad at me. If I don’t have time to help him with his homework, Jeongin gets mad at me. When I can’t get information on Felix, which is going to be practically impossible at this point, Changbin gets mad at me. To top it all off, my mother is trying to get me to move back to Australia because she thinks I’m going to try and kill myself again. Honestly, she not wrong to worry. If you all don’t stop soon then it probably won’t be long until I try again. I’m just so fucking tired for trying to do everything and no one giving a single shit about how I feel or what I want. Has any one of you stopped to think that the reason I’m not doing something for you or not finishing something I’m suppose to do is because I fucking can’t! That I don’t have fucking time! No, because all any of you care about is yourselves! I’m tried of it!”

“Chan…,” Woojin said, walking up to the said male, who just collapsed onto the floor, crying and not caring that he was sitting on pieces of broken plate. “Come here baby.” Woojin pushed pieces of the plate aside, sitting cross legged on the floor and pulling Chan onto his lap. “You should have said something earlier baby. None of us knew what others were expecting from you so we didn’t know we were asking so much of you.”

After that day Chan learned to tell people when they were asking to much of him and Woojin tried his hardest not to be jealous of Chan and Changbin’s friendship, as well as making sure Chan actually slept, as they learned the lack of sleep had been the catalyst for the breakdown. Everything was better, still not perfect, but the two were happy and both becoming better people.


	48. Chapter 48

_Dear Channie,_

_It’s been so long since I’ve done this. My therapist thinks it’d be a good idea for me to start giving you letters again because it’s easier for me to write out of feelings than say them out loud to you. The point of me writing this is to talk about you and Changbin and to apologize for everything. You see, I realized something after we started dating. My fear of falling in love has turned into a fear of abandonment. I’m not afraid to love you but I’m afraid you’re not going to love me back. When I see how much time you spend with Changbin I forget that he’s sick and needs everyone’s help. I only see that you’re spending more time with him than me so you must love him more than me. I know it’s stupid to think that but I can’t help it. My therapist to helping me to not think that way but it will obviously take time. Until I am able to change you should know the truth on why I was acting the way I was. I hope this doesn’t make you upset at me._

_~Woojin_


	49. Chapter 49

**Dear Woojinnie,**

**I’m glad you explained this to me. It helps me to understand you’re not just being a total bitch. I’m not upset at you Woojinnie, now that I know what’s going on inside your head. Please write me more letters in the future when something like this is happening. The only way relationships work is through communication. We both need to work harder on that and I hope we can help each other and make ourselves better.**

**-Channie**


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has more suicide related content, be aware. However, it's not important information for this story but for the next one in the series.

It was the beginning of December and Chan finally thought everything was at peace. Him and Woojin were as happy as they could be with exams next week. Changbin and Hyunjin were dating and Changbin was the happiest he had been since Felix left. Minho and Jisung were still grossly close but of course they were happy. Seungmin and Jeongin seemed happy whenever he saw them. Of course, Bambam and Yugyeom were still happy with each other. Chan was glad to know all his friends were happy.

Sadly, it didn’t say that way. It was the night before one of Chan’s exams so instead of sleeping early like a normal human should, Chan was awake with insomnia. Lucky too because Jisung called him in the middle of night. The boy was in tears and Chan couldn’t make out what the boy was saying. After a few tries Chan finally understand the important point.

“Minho’s in the hospital. He tried to kill himself.”

Chan was quick to get up, waking Woojin in the process. After the situation was explained to Woojin he was quick to get dressed as well. The couple paid for a taxi to the hospital and found Jisung sobbing in the waiting room. Asking what happened made the high schooler sob even more. After calming down, Jisung was able to explain what happened.

“I was trying to find the Christmas presents Minho told me he hid because I’m a fucking child who can’t wait. I ended up finding an old notebook and at first, I thought nothing of it but when I couldn’t find the presents, I decided to read the notebook. I was curious why Minho would hide such a thing.” As Jisung explained, Chan knew exactly where it was going because he was sure it was the same notebook Chan found way back when. “I started reading and I was confused at first and then I realized the truth. He lied to me Chan hyung. He told me you guys had already broken up but it was a lie. He was cheating on you when we first started dating. When he came home, I was so upset. I started screaming at him and telling him I couldn’t trust him anymore. I broke up with him and left. I felt bad later and when he wouldn’t answer his phone, I decided to go see him. The door was still unlocked so I just went in. I thought he was just asleep at first but couldn’t wake him up and when I saw the empty pill bottle beside him, I knew he wasn’t asleep. What if he doesn’t live? It’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have overreacted.”

The two boys calmed Jisung down when he started sobbing all over again and made sure the boy understood that it was not his fault. After a few minutes, a doctor came and told them that Minho was stable but still asleep and that unless we were family, we would not be able to see him until the morning. Woojin and Chan brought Jisung home, making sure his parents knew what had happened so they could care for him, before heading home themselves.

They knew they needed to sleep because of their exams in the morning but they ended up staying up for a few more hours talking about what to do. After Changbin, they weren’t sure if they could handle having another friend that needed 24-hour watch. Woojin didn’t know Minho would think about doing something like this but Chan did.

Chan knew what was written in that journal. What problems Minho had and how he would refuse help with them. Chan wasn’t in a state to help Minho when he first found out and he didn’t feel it was his place to try and help when he became emotionally able to help Minho. Now was his chance to get Minho help and he wasn’t going to let Minho refuse.


	51. Chapter 51

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the chapter rape gets mentioned in (just great for me to put it right after one of the suicide chapters, right?).

_Dear Channie,_

_With the new year starting, I think it is time to move on from the past. In order to do that, I need to tell you something. Something from my past. I’m going to tell you the reason I was so afraid to fall in love._

_My first relationship was in high school. His name doesn’t matter but we started dating at the beginning of our senior year. We dated throughout our senior year and I loved him, I really did. I thought he loved me too at the time, but I now I’m starting to think he didn’t. Either that or his idea of love was very messed up. The event that changed everything was prom but mostly what happened after. We saved money to buy a hotel and, to make a long story short, he raped me that night. It screwed me up so bad because I loved him and thought that I suppose to enjoy what happened but when I realized I didn’t have too, I was screwed up even more. I thought he loved me so this was just how everyone who loved me would treat me. It sounds like a stupid thing to think but I convinced myself this was the truth and that’s how I developed this fear of falling in love. I had myself convinced anyone who I fell in love with would treat me the same way he did. It’s thanks to you that I’ve come to realize that isn’t true._

_I love you Channie, with all me heart._

_~Woojin_


	52. Chapter 52

**Dear Woojinnie,**

**Thank you for telling me. I’m glad that you were able to work through everything and I’m glad I was able to help you. I don’t think you realize how you’ve helped me in the same way. It was only because of you that I actually talked about Minho and I’s relationship and how it ended. Talking about it was the only way I was able to start moving on from it so thank you. Thank you for listening. You mean so much to me Woojin and I’m so glad you decided to send me that first letter. It’s scary to think where either of us would be if you hadn’t.**

**I love you too Woojinnie, more than I’ve ever loved anyone. It might be to early to say this but, I’m starting to wonder if you and I are soulmates.**

**-Channie**


	53. Chapter 53

Months passed and Woojin and Chan grew both as individuals and together as a couple. They pushed each other to be better but also knew each other’s limits. Now, this isn’t to say their relationship was perfect. For example, just before summer, when Felix finally showed up, Woojin became a little jealous that Chan was still caring so much for Changbin. However, the elder was quick to apologize for his behavior. This was what their relationship was, making mistakes but knowing they did and apologizing for it. Although it took some time to get there, these two worked so well together. On their one-year anniversary, Chan was confident that he had found his soulmate with Woojin.

Despite having philophobia, Woojin found the love of his life. Woojin did not believe he could love anyone more than Chan and Chan, Chan knew he couldn’t love anyone more than Woojin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ending feels rushed but it's the original. Third part of this series is the one I never finished so that should be interesting. Please consider reading it if you're interested in kinda angsty MinSung.

**Author's Note:**

> The beginning and most of the story is written in a letter format like this, just so you know.


End file.
